Yesterday I ended things with my ex-fiance/lover/spiritual husband/kinda-sorta-boyfriend-though-we-were-separated. It hurts a lot, even though it had to be done.
Yesterday we hardly were able to talk as his phone service had blocked us from calling each other over investigating previous charges that were very high.
The lack of communication came from a variety of factors though that had been happening over the past few weeks. He told me yesterday I was pushing him away through trying to communicate my feelings. It really hurt to hear that. He actually signed off of msn (our only form of communication at the time because of the phone service problems) on me because I was trying to explain to him why I felt that his putting the fate of our relationship in the hands of his therapist didn't feel right to me. (He had decided he trusts his therapist more than himself and that when his therapist would say he was ready to be with me, then and only then would he ready to be with me again. He then accused me of forcing him into a relationship he didn't want to be in. That was not my intention, I just didn't like not having a voice in the future of our relationship and that he had given up his voice. >.<)
I don't think he wanted to really be with me the past few weeks. I think that when it came to his mom practically kicking me out and then his therapist telling him to leave me, he chose them over me each time. I think from those points, though the first was good for him (because of school, I understood), the second has felt like it was nothing but harmful to what was "us." The separation should have been a breakup. It would have been easier than dragging it on for what would have been an unknown amount of time.
I still feel bad that I couldn't end things with him over the phone, but yesterday when he refused to talk with me because, to him, I was being "unnecessary drama" by expressing my views on the separation and how limited things were getting. (Though I have to point out, I was expressing my views based on the decisions he's made, therefore I feel it's not my drama. He chose to put our relationship's fate in the hands of his therapist and outside of us, the couple in the relationship.) When he just shut me out like that, I realized I couldn't be in a relationship with him even in the limbo we were in because I wasn't getting heard. He was already cutting me out of his life. I ended things for my own sanity because I can't be with someone who won't really think for themselves about their own life/relationships within that life and that chooses not to communicate with me.
I really wish I could maintain a friendship with him in the future, but right now he has already blocked me on facebook and removed me from his friends' list there. (On top of the fact we can't text or talk or anything at the moment and I'm not his friend on any other sites as he doesn't frequent some other sites I introduced him to or have an account here to my knowledge.) He is already putting as much distance between us as possible, and I do understand that need for both of us. I just really wish it didn't have to be this way. >.<
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